Toys in trousers

Chippenham: On April 27, a male thief entered Morrisons and stuffed an unknown amount of items of Lego bricks in his trousers and left without paying.

(Gazette & Herald, 2 May 2019)

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The Association of Petty Thieves’ Grand Prix 2019

Rules of entry

Violation of any of the stipulations set out below will result in automatic disqualification. The Judges’ decision is final.

1. Toys in trousers. Toys may be any size or shape. Trousers also.
2. Plants in pants. Must be live plants. No packets of seeds please.
3. Cats in cardigans. The cardigan must be worn by the thief, not the cat. Minimum two cats.
4. Literature in loafers. Only publications deemed literary fiction by the Judges will be ruled acceptable. Participants using brogues, deck shoes, dress shoes or any footwear other than loafers will be disqualified.
5. Sausages in swimwear. Any one- or two-piece swimwear is allowed, other than wet suits. Eligible sausages include bratwurst, Toulouse, chorizo and Cumberland. Cocktail sausages are not permitted.
6. Games in gowns. Full length ball gowns and full-size board games only. Extra points for Giant Jenga.
7. Biscuits in boots. Please note a Jaffa Cake is not a biscuit. Otherwise the Judges offer free rein to entrants on the type of biscuit and boot deployed.
8. Haberdashery in hot pants. For this challenge the Judges require three different types of haberdashery to be purloined. For instance: buttons, a reel of cotton and a knitting needle.
9. Lizards in lederhosen. Any size or variety of lizard is permitted but the lederhosen must be the authentic German garment.
10. Tankards in tank tops. To be earn points in our final challenge, the tankard must be engraved with your name.

Good luck, competitors.

Call for charter to protect Hyde Gate from abuse

Graffiti at Hyde Gate, left by 'London Dave'

(Hampshire Chronicle, 4th July 2019)

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‘How did you think you could get away with it, Dave?’

Dave sat hunched over, his face hidden in his hands.

‘Hmmm?’ insisted the expensively dressed lawyer beside him. ‘I mean god knows, we’ve had to get you out of some scrapes before but this is a level of incompetence surprising even for you. You signed your bloody name on an historic monument, for god’s sake!’

Finally, the beaten-down man removed his hands from his face and sat back, making a vain attempt to smooth his crumpled trousers.

‘It was a moment of madness, Charles. That’s all I can say. You know what I get like at this time of year.’

Charles glanced across at him then looked down at the floor. ‘You mean the anniversary of…’

Dave nodded. ‘Of…my loss. Three years now. And every time it comes round I can’t take it. I start drinking on the twenty-third – and this year I still hadn’t sobered up by the twenty-eighth. And suddenly there I was, at the burial site of that great Englishman, Alfred the Great, and I felt so…powerless!’

Charles sighed, a mixture of exasperation and sympathy, and patted his companion on the knee. Dave pressed on.

‘I should have gone down in history as a great Englishman, Charlie! I should have had stone tablets engraved with my name for future generations to venerate! But instead – what? I lost it all to that fedora-wearing bastard three years ago! And in my rage and exhaustion, and with the Bollinger flowing through my veins, I thought to myself’–his voice rising to a crescendo–’they shall remember me! Alongside Alfred the Great they shall remember Dave from London and everything he did! And I’ll be back, back to repair everything I did, everything I lost! Never mind “Take back control”, London Dave will be “Back for the Future”!’ His face was crimson, clammy. ‘And I so I got out my pen…’

He broke off as two police officers entered and took their seats on the other side of the table.

‘Right, then. Ready for your interview, Mr Cameron?’

Stratfield Mortimer elects parish councillors

Stratfield Mortimer's newly-elected parish council recently met at Mortimer's Methodist Church Hall.

Also in attendance was Burghfield and Mortimer district councillor Geoff Mayes.

Michael Dennett was elected chairman and Dave Kilshaw vice-chairman.

Danusia Morsley was elected chairwoman of the planning committee, Chris Lewis will chair the roads, footpaths and commons committee and John Bull the fairground and cemetery committee.

Among the issues discussed was policing of the village as well as the Plastic Free Mortimer initiative, which works with local restaurants and businesses to reduce plastic waste.

(Newbury Weekly News, 6 June 2019)

*

Mrs Bull heard the front door slam and called out from the living room, ‘That you, John? How did it go?’

At the first sight of his face, pale and trembling in the doorway, she knew something momentous had happened.

‘I got it, sweetheart.’ He dropped to his knees beside her armchair and gripped her hands in his. ‘They gave me the big one.’

‘Not,’ her eyes searched his, ‘not the playground and abattoir committee?’

He shook his head. ‘Bigger than that.’

Her jaw dropped. ‘They couldn’t have given you...not the petting zoo and prison committee?’

‘Ha!’ His laugh was scornful. ‘That’s small potatoes compared to this. It’s the one we’ve always dreamed of. The committee where I can finally give free rein to my creative genius.’

‘Oh John!’ Her hand flew to her mouth.

‘Yes, dear. That’s right. They’ve given me the fairground and cemetery committee.’

Tears had sprung into her eyes. ‘I’m so happy for you, darling. I know all the plans you’ve made for this.’

‘Plans that will put Stratfield Mortimer on the map!’ He had risen to his feet and was staring with lifted chin into the middle distance. ‘Coffin Waltzers! Skull Shies! But the piece de resistance, the idea that will go down in history, darling - two words.’

‘Which are?’ She was breathless with anticipation.

He spread his arms wide, as if indicating an enormous sign. 

‘Ghost Train!’

Man trapped in knee-high mud

Firefighters had to rescue a man who became trapped in boggy water in Hungerford.

Royal Berkshire Fire and Rescue Service spokesman Mark Antell said: "At 1.20pm on Wednesday, May 22, we received reports of a man trapped, requiring rescue, behind Church Lane, close to the [St Lawrence] church.

"Two crews from Newbury, one crew from Dee Road and a crew from Dorset and Wiltshire Fire and Rescue Service were sent to the scene.

"Firefighters assisted the man to release him from knee-high mud.

"Crews were on the scene for just over an hour."

South Central Ambulance Service spokeswoman Michelle Archer said: "We had an ambulance officer on scene and fortunately the patient was not injured."

(Newbury Weekly News, 30 May 2019)

*

‘Just don’t panic,’ he muttered to himself. ‘The main thing is not to panic, you’ll only make it worse.’

He tried gingerly to extricate one leg, wobbled, and replaced it in its original position.

‘Not panicking. Definitely not panicking. I can do this.’ He took some deep breaths. ‘Keep calm. Don’t think about the obstacles, think about the positives.’

He looked around.

‘It’s a nice sunny day. I’ve got a beautiful church to look at while I’m here – if I crane my head round and don’t wobble too much. No one’s here to see me stranded so I might just be able to keep it a…’ He broke off, a look of horror spreading across his face. ‘No!’ he whispered, urgently, staring at a figure emerging from the bushes along the footpath. ‘Please, God, no! If you have to send someone send anyone but…’

‘Danny?’ The figure had caught sight of him and stopped.

‘Stacey! Hiya,’ Danny waved breezily.

Stacey tilted her beautiful head to one side and narrowed her eyes. ‘What are you doing out there in the mud?’

‘Training!’ Danny attempted a gentle squat: shakily descending a couple of inches and then returning to the safety of a standing position. ‘I’ve got the Tough Mudder competition in a couple of weeks.’

‘Oh yeah! You and some of the other guys from the rugby club isn’t it?’

Danny’s heart skipped a beat. She knew that he was part of the Tough Mudder team! He’d always thought she barely realised he existed.

‘Yeah - Mikey, Craig, Jonesy, all that lot.’

‘Cool.’ She stood, waiting. ‘Don’t let me stop you then. What are you going to do next?’

Danny looked down at his legs, snugly encased from the knee down in thick, treacly mud.

‘I’m erm…I’m working on my core.’ He bent slowly from one side to the other.

‘Danny?’

Danny looked up to see amusement in her eyes.

‘Yes?’

‘Shall I call the fire brigade?’

A hundred answers flashed through his mind – defensive, hurt, scornful, bemused answers to put her off the scent. And then –

‘Yes please, Stacey.’

Bees swarm to new biz start-up hive

A swarm of bees 'resting' on a Winchester building caused a buzz in the city centre.

The front wall of the aptly-named IncuHive Space in Staple Gardens was first covered by a large group at around noon on Tuesday.

Staff were told to "sit tight" and wait for the bees to leave on their own, but chief operating officer, George Scott-Welsh told the Chronicle he had no problem with the swarm being there.

He said: "It's got people talking about us, and of course, we are bee-themed and sell ourselves as a 'hive' so I say it's good marketing.

"I just wish I could say I'd pay to bring the bees here, that would've scored me some brownie points!"

The city council told residents to keep their windows closed and not to disturb the swarm.

Watch manager Kev Robson said a fire crew helped a bee keeper remove the estimated 15,000-swarm for relocation in the countryside.

IncuHive have offices across Hampshire in Chandlers Ford, New Milton and Basingstoke.

The Winchester branch opened towards the end of last month, and offers a business incubation and co-working centre for local companies.

"When we opened we had a girl in a giant bee costume. I'm blaming her for attracting them, 100 per cent!" said George."

(Hampshire Chronicle, 16 May 2019)

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Hot on the heels of our PR success in collaboration with IncuHive in Winchester, Birds & Bees PR is delighted to launch several new services for all your guerrilla (or indeed gorilla) marketing needs.

Commission our beautifully-choreographed swarm of 15,000 bees to draw attention to your new store opening or product launch. All our bees have been individually auditioned and are alumni of RADA (the Royal Academy of Drone Aerobatics) or an equivalent institution.

Launching a new web design business? The Acrobatic Arachnids are on hand to help, spinning bespoke advertising banners as your prospective customers look on. Available in a myriad of shades of stunning grey.

Struggling to attract customers to your music shop? Hire the Cicada Chorus to perform outside your premises. These world-renowned sopranos will delight the crowd with classics by Adam Ant, the Beatles and Buddy Holly & the Crickets.

Holding an open day at your gym? Our Ants in Pants will spur your muscle men and women on to greater things with their incredible feats of strength. We’ll kit our ants out in your corporate colours for the occasion. 

Church numbers dwindling? Bring in our devout praying mantises to show them how it’s done. Our mixed-sex troupe is perfect for any occasion from weddings to funerals. (Extra males available on request).

Show off your hosiery range to advantage with our delightful daddy long legs. Our size zero models will display tights, stockings and socks to advantage, with the added efficiency of showing off 3 pairs at once.

Whether you’re selling butterfly cakes or Ladybird books, our unique performers will ensure your promotion generates a buzz!

Guinea pig treated after house fire

A guinea pig was given oxygen treatment after a fire in Lancaster. 

Two fire engines were called out to a property in Whitbarrow Square at 12.29am on Tuesday. 

A spokesman from Lancashire Fire and Rescue Service said: "Firefighters used two breathing apparatus and one hose reel to extinguish the fire and make the scene safe.

"Oxygen therapy was administered to a guinea pig."

(Lancaster Guardian, April 2019)

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Gail the guinea pig nearly choked on the newspaper she was nibbling. Spitting it out she called to her companion who was dozing in the corner of their hutch.

‘Gary! You won’t believe this!’

Gary opened one eye, and then the other. Sighing, he asked,

‘What now, Gail?’

‘Come over here, come and look!’

Wearily he shuffled across the sawdust and shredded paper to join Gail by a largish scrap of newspaper. She tapped it with her paw.

‘Just came across this. Read what it says.’

Gary scanned the article, muttering the occasional word aloud. ‘Guinea pig…oxygen…fire…therapy.’ Finishing the article he looked quizzically at her. ‘It seems fair enough to me, Gail. I know they say journalists twist things but this is all very factual. You were given oxygen therapy for the smoke inhalation. I was very concerned. The rest all seems accurate: time, place and so on.’

Gail blinked several times and quivered all over.

‘What seems to have escaped you, Gary, is that although the facts they’ve included are perfectly accurate, they’ve missed out a vital piece of information.’

Gary looked again at the article, then back at Gail. ‘What’s that?’

Nodding toward the tiny uniform hanging up on the wall, she squeaked, ‘They could have mentioned I was one of the bloody firefighters!’

Poos of the past

Walk into history, with murder on agenda, and look at poos of the past

Wallingford's Guided Historic Town Walks, held every Saturday starting from the Town Hall at 11am, are now in full flow.

[...]

The museum has a number of activities planned over the coming weeks, including 'poos of the past'. Sessions take place on April 9, 11, 16 and 18.

Visit wallingfordmuseum.org.uk

(The Wantage & Grove Herald, 10 April 2019)

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Poos of the past!

Feel free to browse our cabinets of famous poos of the past. Each display case is labelled with the exhibit’s previous owner and a brief summary of his or her toilet habits, where known.

Pontius Pilate
Always washed his hands

Queen Elizabeth I
Had the heart and stomach of a king; less is known about her lower digestive system

Dylan Thomas
Did not go gently

Charles Dickens
Liked to give his number twos names inspired by some of his most famous characters, such as Tiny Turd and Bob Crapshit

Greta Garbo
She liked to poo alone

Rodin
Obsessed by flatulence. Of his ‘Fart Studies’ only the sculpture originally named ‘The Stinker’ remains

Mozart
Known for his beautiful movements

Thomas Chippendale
Reportedly furious when asked to provide a stool sample. Insisted his medical advisers instead refer to his ‘occasional tables’

Queen Victoria
Spent a very long time on the throne

We hope you’ve enjoyed this literal shitshow. Do keep an eye out for our forthcoming exhibition ‘Oui-Oui: An exploration of the role of urine in French popular culture’.