Toys in trousers

Chippenham: On April 27, a male thief entered Morrisons and stuffed an unknown amount of items of Lego bricks in his trousers and left without paying.

(Gazette & Herald, 2 May 2019)

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The Association of Petty Thieves’ Grand Prix 2019

Rules of entry

Violation of any of the stipulations set out below will result in automatic disqualification. The Judges’ decision is final.

1. Toys in trousers. Toys may be any size or shape. Trousers also.
2. Plants in pants. Must be live plants. No packets of seeds please.
3. Cats in cardigans. The cardigan must be worn by the thief, not the cat. Minimum two cats.
4. Literature in loafers. Only publications deemed literary fiction by the Judges will be ruled acceptable. Participants using brogues, deck shoes, dress shoes or any footwear other than loafers will be disqualified.
5. Sausages in swimwear. Any one- or two-piece swimwear is allowed, other than wet suits. Eligible sausages include bratwurst, Toulouse, chorizo and Cumberland. Cocktail sausages are not permitted.
6. Games in gowns. Full length ball gowns and full-size board games only. Extra points for Giant Jenga.
7. Biscuits in boots. Please note a Jaffa Cake is not a biscuit. Otherwise the Judges offer free rein to entrants on the type of biscuit and boot deployed.
8. Haberdashery in hot pants. For this challenge the Judges require three different types of haberdashery to be purloined. For instance: buttons, a reel of cotton and a knitting needle.
9. Lizards in lederhosen. Any size or variety of lizard is permitted but the lederhosen must be the authentic German garment.
10. Tankards in tank tops. To be earn points in our final challenge, the tankard must be engraved with your name.

Good luck, competitors.

Call for charter to protect Hyde Gate from abuse

Graffiti at Hyde Gate, left by 'London Dave'

(Hampshire Chronicle, 4th July 2019)

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‘How did you think you could get away with it, Dave?’

Dave sat hunched over, his face hidden in his hands.

‘Hmmm?’ insisted the expensively dressed lawyer beside him. ‘I mean god knows, we’ve had to get you out of some scrapes before but this is a level of incompetence surprising even for you. You signed your bloody name on an historic monument, for god’s sake!’

Finally, the beaten-down man removed his hands from his face and sat back, making a vain attempt to smooth his crumpled trousers.

‘It was a moment of madness, Charles. That’s all I can say. You know what I get like at this time of year.’

Charles glanced across at him then looked down at the floor. ‘You mean the anniversary of…’

Dave nodded. ‘Of…my loss. Three years now. And every time it comes round I can’t take it. I start drinking on the twenty-third – and this year I still hadn’t sobered up by the twenty-eighth. And suddenly there I was, at the burial site of that great Englishman, Alfred the Great, and I felt so…powerless!’

Charles sighed, a mixture of exasperation and sympathy, and patted his companion on the knee. Dave pressed on.

‘I should have gone down in history as a great Englishman, Charlie! I should have had stone tablets engraved with my name for future generations to venerate! But instead – what? I lost it all to that fedora-wearing bastard three years ago! And in my rage and exhaustion, and with the Bollinger flowing through my veins, I thought to myself’–his voice rising to a crescendo–’they shall remember me! Alongside Alfred the Great they shall remember Dave from London and everything he did! And I’ll be back, back to repair everything I did, everything I lost! Never mind “Take back control”, London Dave will be “Back for the Future”!’ His face was crimson, clammy. ‘And I so I got out my pen…’

He broke off as two police officers entered and took their seats on the other side of the table.

‘Right, then. Ready for your interview, Mr Cameron?’