Friday, January 25, 2019

Stone pigs 'fly' from Speen garden


A Speen couple are appealing to members of the of the public over an ornament they believe was stolen from their front garden


The item, a pair of stone pigs, was last seen in the couple’s open plan garden along Coxeter Road over the weekend of January 12 and 13.

The ornament, which measures six to eight inches wide and is about two foot long, was given to the couple after their wedding nearly 30 years ago.

Anyone with information should contact Thames Valley Police.

(Newbury Weekly News, January 2019)

*

Karen shuffled back through to the lounge, her oversized pig slippers nodding with every step.

‘I’ve spoken to them, John. They’ve said they’ll put it in.’ 

Putting down a mug moulded in the shape of a pig’s head on the pig-patterned coaster by his elbow, she prodded the newspaper he was reading.

‘I said they’ll put it in. Next week’s. See if anyone comes forward with information.’

He grunted.

‘I wouldn’t have minded so much if it was something else,’ she continued, settling into the armchair opposite. ‘Only it was that gift that got us started with the pigs, wasn’t it.’ She put her feet up on the footstool which was upholstered with a tapestry Gloucester Old Spot. ‘Wasn’t it, John?’ she insisted.

‘Yes,’ he said, slowly looking up from his paper to the porcelain pigs on the mantelpiece. ‘Yes, it was.’

‘If Granny Witney hadn’t got us started with that fine pair of porkers we might never have become collectors.’

‘Yes,’ he agreed, the newspaper trembling a little in his hand.

‘People might not have bought us all these lovely things.’ Her gesture took in the lampshade from whose tassels dangled plastic pigs; the whimsical flying pigs on the wall; and her own pink pig onesie, complete with pig’s head hood. ‘How different things might have been!’

The newspaper suddenly crumpled in his hands and he sprang from the chair.

‘John! What’s wrong?’

‘I’m going out.’

‘Oh! Where?’

‘Taking Percy for a walk.’ 

At the sound of its name the pot-bellied pig struggled to its feet from its bed by the fireplace.

‘Again? You took him yesterday. I wouldn’t be surprised if that was when the thieves struck, come to think of it.’

John was strapping Percy into his harness and didn’t answer.

‘You’ll miss Babe: Pig in the City,’ she called after him, switching on the TV.

On his way to the front door he took a china pig at random from the hall table and slipped it into his pocket.

‘Come on Percy,’ he said. ‘Two down, two thousand three hundred and twenty-two pig items to go.’


Saturday, January 19, 2019

Five cars vandalised in one night in Argyle Road


Police are appealing for witnesses after five cars were damaged in a Newbury road in one night.


Wing mirrors were ripped off a Vauxhall Astra and a Hyundai i10 in Argyle Road between noon on Saturday January 5 and 10.20am the following day.

Wing mirrors on a Ford Fiesta and another Hyundai i10 were also ripped off during the same time period.

And sometime between 4pm on Saturday January 5, and 6.20am on Sunday January 6, a wing mirror was torn off a Volkswagen Polo.

(Newbury Weekly News, January 2019)

*

It was the dead of night when the spacecraft materialised in Argyle Road, completely flattening a traffic hump and smashing the wing mirror off a parked Vauxhall Astra.

Inside, the captain addressed the crew. ‘An excellent landing. Very smooth.’ The four creatures each acknowledged his praise with a fluttering of their ancillary proboscises. ‘Your mission,’ he continued, ‘is to establish whether there is intelligent life on this planet. Keep close to the craft. Return quickly.’

The small hatch slid open and the four squat figures waddled through into the darkness, leaving their captain alone. Within a short time they returned, one by one.

‘Well?’ asked the captain, eagerly.

‘Captain!’ One of the creatures stepped forward. ‘Life exists. I discovered one of our own trapped within a strange machine. I released her and brought her here.’ With a great flourish she proffered an item to the captain who stared in shock at the familiar face staring back at him.

A second crew member stepped forward with an identical object. ‘I too released one of our own! His name is Hyundai.’ The first creature gasped, indicating the object in her own grasp. 

‘Her name is Hyundai!’ 

‘All hail the planet Hyundai!’ intoned the two creatures in unison.

‘The planet Fiesta!’ corrected the third creature, pushing past the others to present a similar black object to the captain.

‘Idiots!’ growled the captain. ‘These are trickeries, devices to replicate the face of whoever gazes into the silver portal. Brsazrtynropyyui,’ – turning to the fourth figure, who was lurking in the shadows behind the others – ‘you, I hope, were more successful in your endeavours?’

Brsazrtynropyyui surreptitiously dropped something behind a pillar as she stepped forward and replied,

‘I was unable to locate intelligent life, captain. My recommendation is to continue our course to the next planet.’

As the ship shot out through the Earth’s atmosphere an observer might have noticed a small airlock being opened and a Volkswagen Polo wing mirror spinning out into the great void of space.

Saturday, January 12, 2019

Fat's Inconvenient


Fat clogging pipes in Newbury had to be removed last week

Thames Water worked in Bridge Street and Mansion House Street last Thursday to remove the blockage. A spokeswoman for the company said that the blockage was caused by fat in the pipe but it would be over dramatising the situation to say it was a fatberg.

(Newbury Weekly News, January 2019)


*

Brenda shook her head wearily as she hung up the phone.

‘Another one?’ enquired Andrew from across the desk.

‘I won’t say it, Andrew. I won’t. No matter how much they try and wear me down.’ She placed her head in her hands while he watched her, a look of concern on his pasty face.

‘You know I’d field some of the calls if I could, Brenda. But they don’t want to speak to me. I’m only the junior Fat Controller. As soon as they realise that, they want to be passed through to the senior Fat Controller.’

Picking up her mug and carrying it over to the kitchenette in the corner, she waved his words away.

‘I’m not blaming you, Andrew. It’s them! Journalists! Always looking for a headline. None of them pay any attention to the correct classification of fatty blockages.’ Gesturing to the dogeared poster stuck up on the fridge, she continued, in increasing exasperation. ‘At first I tried to explain it. I took them through the sizing specifications one by one. From here,’–pointing to the illustration of a what looked like a pallid broad bean in the bottom left hand corner of the poster –‘the Fatbean. Harmless on its own, but highly dangerous when swarming. On to the larger, and generally more spherical Fatsatsuma. A known pest in domestic settings.’ Her eyes narrowed as she directed her attention to the next illustration, an oblong lump about the size of a shoebox. ‘This next miscreant is so often overlooked but when it tilts and jams in the system, you’re looking at a whole heap of trouble. Never underestimate the Fatrabbit. Next up is the Fatpouffe–‘ she cut herself off. ‘Well. You know all this, Andrew. All I’m trying to point out is that there are forty-three more classifications before you get anywhere near…’


The phone rang. Brenda slammed her mug down on the worktop with such force that the handle came off in her hand. Striding across the room she grabbed the receiver and yelled,

‘For the love of god, it’s not a bloody Fatberg!’

Toys in trousers

Chippenham: On April 27, a male thief entered Morrisons and stuffed an unknown amount of items of Lego bricks in his trousers and left w...